Monday, October 17, 2011
Imagine this!
Ready for your exams?
WACE exams are a competition.You can't just be the blooming flower, you have to be the weed killer that kills all of the flowers and takes a prime position in the shed.
WACE is about intimidation. The only way you can put yourself at an advantage is to disadvantage others.
Preparation
First, all WACE veterans (including the State Constitutional Handbook of the Curriculum Council of Western Australia Act 2011) like to encourage people to be prepared stationery-wise, so that you can win in style. Most amateurs like to bring standardized Kilometricos, correction tapes, erasers and rulers with kangaroos on them.
What are you, 5 YEARS OLD?
That ain't preparation! That ain't intimidation! That shit is wack!
The only reason people bring stationery into an exam room is to distract others. The only person you'll distract is yourself, as you blame yourself for your stupidity in bringing generic equipment that NOBODY LIKES.
Get rid of that home brand blue pen. Get yourself a real man's pen, a QUILL. Your pen is proportional to your "size". You can't pick up the female supervisors (or male if you swing that way) with a tiny biro. Also don't forget to bring as many glow pens as you can. Lights can cause haptic seizures as well as disorientation to minors. And disorientation is just what you need.
Rulers? Nobody ever said there was a length regulation. I tend to use a 1 metre ruler as that is also "proportional". Now you can walk into that exam room feeling less like Peter Parker and more like SPIDERMAN.
Sexy.
Most people also know that you can bring up to 3 calculators into Mathematics exams. What they don't realize is that there is no rule stating the size of your calculator. That's just another chance to intimidate the opposition. Go to Crazy Clark's, pick up some Giant Calculators for $4.95 a piece. Even though you aren't actually using those massive rectangles of plastic, people will be quaking in their school shoes as you delicately unveil your secret weapons.
Finally, plastic sheets show that you are in the bottom rungs of society and this will most likely make you laughed at. You need some real plastic casing? Nothing says "examination warlord", or "elitist member of society", like a PLASTIC CRATE ON WHEELS with stationery that glows and a metre ruler enclosed in it. Don't you just feel like Tony Abbott, scrutinizing everyone elses stationery.
Don't forget to bring your 1.5 litres of water too! You ain't a student, you're a CAMEL.
Your package is complete. Now you're in the exam room, you have to use your equipment and your skills to the greatest knowledge.
In the room
Tissues are a grey area of exams. Nobody says anything concerning the amount you can have, or whether you're allowed to bring them in. To save the trouble, the CC puts tissueboxes at the front of the room.
Here's your chance.
Once you've set down your various tools, head to the front and pull out every single tissue in the box. It may take a while but the awkwardness of the situation means that the supervisors won't stop you. They'll just think you're crazy. Which is good.
Now NO ONE CAN USE TISSUES. Congratulations, you have significantly weakened anyone in the room with a cold.
The silence of examination rooms is usually unbearable. Silence means people are getting work done! RID THE SILENCE. Defy the laws of the Curriculum Council constitution! One of the rules in the handbook states that "alarms on watches must be switched off".
They can't FORCE you. This is a free society!
Walk into the examination with SIX WATCHES, three in each arm. Set each alarm to ring at half-hour marks in the 3-hour period. Make sure you wear long sleeves so that people can't see where the noise is coming from. Now everyone is going to be interrupted every half hour, which effectively shortens their examination working time by FIFTEEN MINUTES.
Perfect for you!
That 1.5L vessel of liquid sitting next to you can be put to great use, but only if you have a strong bladder. Drink every 10 minutes and finish with an "aaaaah" louder than a Solo commercial. Spit discreetly in the face of the individuals to your flanks, so that they turn around and mouth "f____ off", wasting their valuable examination time.
ALWAYS leave early. That way you can look at everyone's progress and, with your back turned to supervisors, laugh in their faces and "accidentally" knock over people's desks. Thinking about the rate of change on a cylinder?
NOT ANYMORE.
So now you've left the examination room, you are free to terrorize them from the outside.
Out of the room
The supervisors always tell you not to stand near the examination room when you finish. But what if you happen to own a noise making contraption that can echo its sound across the whole of the examination area?
BLOW THAT NOISE MAKING CONTRAPTION THAT CAN ECHO ITS SOUND ACROSS THE WHOLE OF THE EXAMINATION LIKE YOU'VE NEVER BLOWN BEFORE. Chances are, you won't need to be in the exam room radius to be able to transmit that sound forward. You will bask in your light of victory as those struggling students in the examination room hear a noise that resembles an elephant on a motorcycle.
And that's enough to make ANYONE crack.
So now that you've earned yourself the title of "Biggest Faggot Ever", congratulate yourself, and watch as your Australian Tertiary Admission Rank gets scaled up higher than your ego.
2 comments:
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Row-Yi said...
-
A+
did you submit this for something in english this year? it's brilliant :3 -
October 17, 2011 at 6:50 PM
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seany! said...
-
after reading this, I never want to sit an exam with you ahaha
-
October 19, 2011 at 7:01 PM
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Monday, October 17, 2011
Imagine this!
Ready for your exams?
WACE exams are a competition.You can't just be the blooming flower, you have to be the weed killer that kills all of the flowers and takes a prime position in the shed.
WACE is about intimidation. The only way you can put yourself at an advantage is to disadvantage others.
Preparation
First, all WACE veterans (including the State Constitutional Handbook of the Curriculum Council of Western Australia Act 2011) like to encourage people to be prepared stationery-wise, so that you can win in style. Most amateurs like to bring standardized Kilometricos, correction tapes, erasers and rulers with kangaroos on them.
What are you, 5 YEARS OLD?
That ain't preparation! That ain't intimidation! That shit is wack!
The only reason people bring stationery into an exam room is to distract others. The only person you'll distract is yourself, as you blame yourself for your stupidity in bringing generic equipment that NOBODY LIKES.
Get rid of that home brand blue pen. Get yourself a real man's pen, a QUILL. Your pen is proportional to your "size". You can't pick up the female supervisors (or male if you swing that way) with a tiny biro. Also don't forget to bring as many glow pens as you can. Lights can cause haptic seizures as well as disorientation to minors. And disorientation is just what you need.
Rulers? Nobody ever said there was a length regulation. I tend to use a 1 metre ruler as that is also "proportional". Now you can walk into that exam room feeling less like Peter Parker and more like SPIDERMAN.
Sexy.
Most people also know that you can bring up to 3 calculators into Mathematics exams. What they don't realize is that there is no rule stating the size of your calculator. That's just another chance to intimidate the opposition. Go to Crazy Clark's, pick up some Giant Calculators for $4.95 a piece. Even though you aren't actually using those massive rectangles of plastic, people will be quaking in their school shoes as you delicately unveil your secret weapons.
Finally, plastic sheets show that you are in the bottom rungs of society and this will most likely make you laughed at. You need some real plastic casing? Nothing says "examination warlord", or "elitist member of society", like a PLASTIC CRATE ON WHEELS with stationery that glows and a metre ruler enclosed in it. Don't you just feel like Tony Abbott, scrutinizing everyone elses stationery.
Don't forget to bring your 1.5 litres of water too! You ain't a student, you're a CAMEL.
Your package is complete. Now you're in the exam room, you have to use your equipment and your skills to the greatest knowledge.
In the room
Tissues are a grey area of exams. Nobody says anything concerning the amount you can have, or whether you're allowed to bring them in. To save the trouble, the CC puts tissueboxes at the front of the room.
Here's your chance.
Once you've set down your various tools, head to the front and pull out every single tissue in the box. It may take a while but the awkwardness of the situation means that the supervisors won't stop you. They'll just think you're crazy. Which is good.
Now NO ONE CAN USE TISSUES. Congratulations, you have significantly weakened anyone in the room with a cold.
The silence of examination rooms is usually unbearable. Silence means people are getting work done! RID THE SILENCE. Defy the laws of the Curriculum Council constitution! One of the rules in the handbook states that "alarms on watches must be switched off".
They can't FORCE you. This is a free society!
Walk into the examination with SIX WATCHES, three in each arm. Set each alarm to ring at half-hour marks in the 3-hour period. Make sure you wear long sleeves so that people can't see where the noise is coming from. Now everyone is going to be interrupted every half hour, which effectively shortens their examination working time by FIFTEEN MINUTES.
Perfect for you!
That 1.5L vessel of liquid sitting next to you can be put to great use, but only if you have a strong bladder. Drink every 10 minutes and finish with an "aaaaah" louder than a Solo commercial. Spit discreetly in the face of the individuals to your flanks, so that they turn around and mouth "f____ off", wasting their valuable examination time.
ALWAYS leave early. That way you can look at everyone's progress and, with your back turned to supervisors, laugh in their faces and "accidentally" knock over people's desks. Thinking about the rate of change on a cylinder?
NOT ANYMORE.
So now you've left the examination room, you are free to terrorize them from the outside.
Out of the room
The supervisors always tell you not to stand near the examination room when you finish. But what if you happen to own a noise making contraption that can echo its sound across the whole of the examination area?
BLOW THAT NOISE MAKING CONTRAPTION THAT CAN ECHO ITS SOUND ACROSS THE WHOLE OF THE EXAMINATION LIKE YOU'VE NEVER BLOWN BEFORE. Chances are, you won't need to be in the exam room radius to be able to transmit that sound forward. You will bask in your light of victory as those struggling students in the examination room hear a noise that resembles an elephant on a motorcycle.
And that's enough to make ANYONE crack.
So now that you've earned yourself the title of "Biggest Faggot Ever", congratulate yourself, and watch as your Australian Tertiary Admission Rank gets scaled up higher than your ego.
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A+
ReplyDeletedid you submit this for something in english this year? it's brilliant :3
after reading this, I never want to sit an exam with you ahaha
ReplyDelete